The Trouble With Birthdays

By Oren Gotesman

Being a junior in college has its advantages. As I’m sure you can imagine, when I recently turned 21, everyone and their mother told me that I should get completely wasted as a form of celebration. It seemed fitting, as, like most new 21-year-olds, I felt obligated to abuse my newly acquired legal status to drink.

Having recently reached this milestone, I realized some things. For one, the birthdays I have had in the past were a lot more meaningful. Additionally, my future birthdays will be completely and totally lame for the rest of my life.

Let’s review my past major birthdays:

At 13 – Had a Bar Mitzvah, a special party to celebrate the coming of age in Judaism. Perks: epic party, lots of gifts and expendable cash.

At 18 – Became an adult in America. Perks: get to smoke, buy lottery tickets, buy a gun, have sex, vote, join the army, go to strip clubs. Righteous.

At 21 – Went through a right of passage of sorts in America. Perks: get to drink, gamble and go to bars.

After that, birthdays seem pointless. What do you have to look forward to next?

At 25 – You can rent a car, and run for Congress… Boring.

In response to my sad realization that we need more fun birthdays, I have thought of some interesting legalizations people should be entitled to as they pass certain milestones. I’m sure you’ll agree, they are extremely necessary measures.

25 yrs – Going to a bowling alley should be illegal until the age of 25. Think about it, bowling balls are dangerous. They lead to more deaths per year than sharks and vending machines combined. Who here hasn’t lost a friend or loved one to the ball return machine? If there are only 25-year-olds bowling, you can truly appreciate how worthless your life must be if you spend your precious free time bowling. This encourages you to succeed more in life.

30 yrs – At the age of 30, everyone should be legally allowed (and perhaps mandated?) to play a rousing game of Flaming Tennis. Flaming Tennis, for those of you with no imagination, is just like regular tennis, except that the tennis balls are dipped in gasoline and lit before you play with them. At the age of 30, as you begrudgingly depart the prime of their life, you should be allowed to play a sport that will truly push you to your physical best. I see absolutely no reason why this sport is illegal, and let’s not pretend it wouldn’t be the highest viewed sport if it was in the Olympics.

40 yrs – 4 words: Government Subsidized Pony Program. Does this one need to be explained? At the age of 40, everyone should be entitled to receive their very own pony. Who wouldn’t want their own pony? The government subsidizes a stable and food for a year. It creates jobs for the economy and I will finally be able to own my very own Buttercup.

50 yrs – Everyone should legally be allowed to own anti-tank weaponry. Can you imagine going hunting with that kind of gear? Knocking trees down left and right, deers just exploding on impact. Let me tell you, no thief would take their chances with your house if there was a sign on your lawn that said “Warning: anti-tank gear present.” And it would sure take care of those damn squirrels on your lawn.

60 yrs – Pizza Party. You earned it.

70 yrs – What better way to celebrate retirement than being eligible for a Jetpack license? Fly to the store, visit family, get stuck in an airplane engine, do anything.

80 yrs – The house you live in will promptly be replaced with a MANSION made out of sugar-free jello (only Lime or Strawberry). Any reason? Not really.

90 yrs – Feeling old and tired? SCREW THAT, time to kick it up a notch with an UPGRADE! You will undergo a surgery that will turn you into a cyborg. Your new powers will make Iron Man look like a trash can, as you use your built in ketchup and mustard dispensers to create delicious meals (NOTE: Thousand Island dressing upgrade is available). Also, energy cannons. You will receive environmentally friendly energy cannons. More powerful than your anti-tank weaponry, but not by much. This may come at the cost of your pony, because the idea of a cyborg riding a pony is ridiculous.

100 yrs – Strap in baby, because we’re going to Mars! As a cyborg with 100 years of knowledge and experience on Earth, it is time for you to go to Mars in order to colonize it for the good of the human race. You will, of course, be trained to fight the Glorxons (the evil inhabitants of the planet OGLE-2005-BLG-390Lb), who are also preparing to colonize Mars in an strategic attempt to fortify it for a future strike on Earth. We cannot allow Mars to fall into their hands, and you must use your knowledge and strength to defend Earth on Mars before it’s too late.

Wasn’t I talking about drinking alcohol earlier in this article? Anyway, I’m sure if the United States enacted these laws, more people would look forward to their birthdays and, as we all know, that is what’s important. Now is the time to get our priorities straightened out.

Published on page 6o of the Spring 2012 issue of Leviathan.

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