Aries: Your unrelenting chutzpah may get you into trouble this quarter, dear Aries. Be weary of taking on too much. Slow down and smell the harosets. Taurus: Romance is in the air! Well, it could be. It depends. Are you finally ready to break your inertia? Sometimes finding love means getting out of your comfort zone. Try JDate.

Gemini: Gemini, Gemini, Gemini. Always gotta schmooze. Give it a break a little, why don’tcha? Cancer: What a special sign! Always mothering people yet requiring everyone to mother you too. Hey, have you called your mother lately?

Leo: You need a lot of attention. Have you called your mother lately?

Virgo: Many would be lucky to have a critical eye like yours, dear Virgo. Not this quarter. This winter, you may fall victim to the ayin harah—the evil eye. Watch out!

Libra: Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match!
This quarter, try and get yourself fixed up. Leviathan has lots of nice, attractive, Jewish and non-Jewish students. We meet Tuesdays in the Press Center at 8:00pm.

Scorpio: In the Book of Genesis, Abraham is asked to sacrifice his son Isaac, willing to kill his own kin in order to prove his piousness. This quarter, you’ll need to be a little more flexible. Make some sacrifices.

Sagittarius: Oy vey! Where do I even begin? Let’s start at the very beginning. Do you know how long it took God to create the world? Seven days. Do you know how long it takes you to do your homework? Longer than the span of humanity.

Capricorn: Looking to make a little gelt, I see? Good for you. You’ll probably do alright, I figure. Why not?
Aquarius: Jews are known as the People of the Book. Did you know that they are also the biggest wine-drinkers, the People of the Vine? Relax a little. Grab some friends, host a farbringen, and say a few L’chaims.

Pisces: You are perfect. Mazel tov!

Leave a Reply